Prperty of this person

Okay, so I'm a little crazy from the second 45 degree day we've had in a row, but it got me to thinking...

I'm going to Brisbane in less than a week! That is SO cool and done by MY merit. I didnt ask for anyone's help in organising this myself. It means I can do it. I've decided I'm going to go travelling this year. At some point, I will leave Australia!

Wish me luck.

Just an update that no one will read.

That's pretty much what my LJ account is for. I write random crap, usually rant about how I'm scared of going crazy, talk about my paranoia, discuss how crap it is that I'm usually right, etc., etc. Today though, is just a talk about life.

I worked 20 hours last week. Not bad, but I just don't like working... I wish I had a job I actually liked, I think maybe that would help to make me enjoy the seemingly unenjoyable. I don't mind the shifts though. 5 hours is pretty cruisy, especially with a 15 minute breather about 3 hours in. If I don't look at the clock, the time flies by. That's a standard rule I think. What annoys me the most is that I usually work sunday nights and then again on Monday. I love my Monday shift, don't get me wrong! Most public holidays fall on Mondays meaning awesome penalty rates for me and the people I work with are regular Monday nighters too and we all get along. In fact yesterday I hid behind the cigarette counter for the good part of 2 hours just chatting (while still doing some small, mundane tasks). It was great. I have a good friend there. Emma. What surprises me is that she has the exact same birthday as Jackie. It always seems that if someone makes a mark in your life, echos of them come up in strange and mysterious ways.

I am going to Brisbane in 9 days. I am SOOOOOOO looking forward to it. It's like my life here has been so fucking boring lately, I've been confined to my house and mostly my room, watching old seasons of Smallville and laughing about how Clark has put on so much weight and how the girls look exactly the same as they did 6 years earlier. Anyway, Brisbane will save me. It'll cure my boredom for a week with guaranteed fun times with old friends and it will keep me occupied for a week while Paul is gone. He leaves on Sunday and I will be lucky to see him tomorrow. We've made plans for Thursday and Saturday though. I just hope he doesn't disappoint me, although I am almost expecting it. He is going overseas after all and that entails a great deal of fucking around, especially right before you leave. I just really hope that we get to spend the night together on Saturday although that is probably the least likely of them all. He returns 15 days after Sunday and my visit to Brisbane coincides with days 4-11 of his trip. Piece of cake!

I went to Daniel's house the other night and a couple of friends and I sat around and briefly discussed New Year's resolutions. I didn't really pay much attention to them but the fact of the matter is, they are not always unachievable. At the start of 2008, I made a promise to myself that I would do well in school and quit smoking. Now it took me the whole year to do, but in second semeter, I raised my semester average by 5% compared to the previous semester and achieved my first high distinction. Also, in December, I quit smoking. This year I'm promising myself I'll be happy, I'll make more friends, get a new car and do even better in school. I also made the promise that I will be fit and healthy. I will gain muscle mass and I will sculpt my body into something I can be proud of.

I am a bit of a loser though when it comes to the gym. I haven't been in ages. I went once since transferring my membership and I don't really plan on going again. I will wait until I can go to the uni gym and have workout buddies to go with. So new subjects, new motivation and a generally optimistic outlook on life is promising me success in university and my life in general.

Anyway, just a litte bit of an update. I should try and make them a bit more regularly. I don't think it merits an official New Year's resolution though!

To the internetz,

You're like the one friend that's always there, any hour of the day, any day of the week, any week of the year... Except for when the power is out or telstra is being retarded. Other than that, you're perfect.

love from nick.

Aaaanyway, let's have a rant about life shall we? Yes?

Well you don't have a choice.

- - -

On a more serious note... Those that know me fairly well know that I'm pretty paranoid. My paranoia is just about ripping me apart now. SOOOO many little, little things. So many stupid things that I should forget about. Thank god for the people that know me well enough to tell it to me straight, that I'm being stupid. It puts me back in my place.

I seriously feel like one day I'm going to go crazy. Just leave this mental existence I have and live in some hellhole where I actually believe what I think. What a nightmare...

For a while now I have thought that I'm not scared of death. I think I might be wrong now. I think I am scared of death. When I've actually thought about it, seriously and literally, I have cried. I don't cry. I never cry. It's just too fucking hard. It's so rare that when it happens, it happens for a reason. Anyway, my paranoia about death started a few days ago. My sister told me that for a couple of years now, it's been in her head that 2009 is my final year. I will not make it to 2010. What the hell..... I pushed it to the back of my mind. It was dragged to the front again last night when Paul was talking about spending one last night with me and so on and so forth before he leaves for Thailand. I reminded him that he would be home a few weeks later and he replied with a strange expression on his face: 'I know... I just can't shake this bad feeling though...'

I don't know what to think. I'm going to Brisbane in a few weeks, while Paul is gone. I'm not afraid of planes, but there is a chance of death on them. I don't know. Am I putting myself in risk? I don't care, I've been waiting for this moment for far too long. It's just something that I've been thinking about. I know, it's just paranoia, but it plagues me. I wish it would just leave.

I just experienced a possible future for me and as much as it is amusing, it's scary. It also makes one think of what is going on in one's life now that would lead to a future like that.

Pretty much what was going on this afternoon was I was sufferring from mild cabin fever. I'm stuck in suburbia with no car, shit public transport and nothing to do. I spent my day lounging around in bed, reading, sitting on msn and facebook until my sister got home. She then proceeded to bitch to me about her day and I zone out as per usual. Then while she made her afternoon snack, a mammoth feast that I would consider at least 2 large meals, I started getting bored. I started annoying the princess and I asked my sister to help me.

Instead she got angry at me for pissing her off and got me in a headlock (I don't even bother fighting her, it's just not worth the further injuries I'd sustain and the backlash from my mother as consequence for the holes in the walls). She wasn't satisfied until I was red in the face and gasping for breath and then she threw me to the ground and pressed my knees to my chest which made my eyes bulge. I ended up throwing her off me and complaining that she was aggravating the muscle in my neck that I had pulled last night. She then told me she didnt care and I asked her if she had ever experienced one. She replied saying she didn't know. I wasn't surprised with her answer and told her so by saying that she doesn't use her muscles unless she's beating someone up...

Needless to say I ended up out the front of the house, dangerously close to having a rake thrown at me. I was locked out.

After several minutes I tried making phone calls from my mobile. Amelia refused to budge and when I threatened to call mum she told me she had already done that and hung up. My phone vibrated as soon as the call was disconnected. It was mum.

Me: Hello?
Mum: What's going on?
Me: Amelia's being a bitch and locked me outside.
Mum: I know what you've been up to Nicholas, annoying absolutely everyone.
Me: Well mum, I've been cooped up in this house all day with nothing to do, what do you expect from me?
Mum: I don't know, get on a train and go somewhere, visit your friends.
Me: Who am I going to visit mum? I don't have any friends to visit...
Mum: Nicholas, I don't care about-

I hung up. I didn't want to hear her selfish shit. Amelia in the meantime had opened the door and left the screen door locked so we could maintain our own communication. Mum then called her and told her, before she let me in, to barricade the younger kids in her room and to then hide herself in her room. I had to laugh. I mean it was pretty funny right? My own mother thinking I'm a psychopath. Does wonders for the self esteem.

It also made me think of a quite humourous future. Me hanging up with the negotiators, the hostages being told to run for it. Wow, my life is going to be glamourous!

I've been on a bit of a high recently and it's been great. I sort of let go of a few of the walls that I've constructed around myself. I'm starting to think that that wasn't such a good idea and it then reminds me that it's easier to keep the walls up.

Optimism. It's the killer for pessimists. No one is a real pessimist, everyone has at least one shred of hope left in them and once they let that shred of hope grow, they're susceptible to hurt and I know this is pathetic and I know it's lame and I know it's emo but fuck it, it's happening to me...

My phone doesn't ring very often. My message tone doesn't go off very often either. It's kind of sad thinking that you have friends who think about you and wonder what you're up to and even if you abandon your online presence and leave your phone at home, it's still exactly the same as when you left it. My mum doesn't ask me where I'm going or when I'll be home, only if I can pick her up a bottle of wine before i get back.

I'm slipping and it's not good.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be an astrologer. I read my horoscope occasionally as I flick through the paper, depending on the company I might pretend to be looking at Quizmaster or the weather when actually I am reading about what is supposedly happening or going to happen in my life. I look at the language they use, I try to read from the point of view of a person who is NOT reading to find out about themselves. I have found that what they use seems to adhere to a certain formula. Almost always you can find something in the horoscope that you can apply to you, or to anyone else from that matter. They expect you to read between the lines and be like 'Oh, I wonder if this means x and I are gonna hook up this week at the party :O' What a job that would be. I would like to see the fanmail that 'astrologers' receive. 'OMGSH YOU WAZ SO RITE ABOUT MAH LIFE'
I shouldn't be so narrow-minded though. I do have an amateur astrologer as a friend and I will describe someone I know to her and she will mostly tell me accurately what star sign they are and say that the aspects of their personality are that make them a typical Virgo. Astrology is a way of life for many people. People who don't have god, don't have religion but can't survive knowing that there is no way to know turn to the skies and the skies give them answers. I just wonder what I can learn from this. What do I have to gain?

I read my horosope today and there was nothing about expectation. It was all talk about finance - which by the way says it will be getting better and I found out today that I'm working Cup Day so DOUBLE TIME AND A HALF MOTHER FUCKER!!!! But expectation. My life is riddled with it and I would like to say it's driving me insane because when I look at my life in perspective it would seem that way, but no. It's just slightly annoying. I want to know what's going to happen in my life but I just can't. Not when it depends on other people. My curiosity then extends to what is going on in other people's minds. Especially when I don't even know them that well and therefore don't know well the way their mind works. I'm talking about one person at the moment and it's a little confusing to me as to what he's thinking. He's not as candid as he says he is and I'm using every skill that I possess to try and figure him out and frustratingly, it's not working. Maybe that's why after months of no answers, I keep going. Maybe after months of probing, the little progress I've made is the fuel that keeps me going. Maybe it's the chance of something, the possibility of one of my needs being fulfilled that keeps me going. Or maybe once I have all the answers I'll lose interest and that'll be it. Maybe it's his game just as much as it's mine. Now that'd be a bummer.

In other news I'm feeling a little annoyed at the lack of concern a certain someone is showing and their priorities given we have 18 months to organise such an event and I'm already getting ums and ahs and excuses as to why it probably can't happen. What a load of shit right?

Other than that, things are okay. Exams are well under way and I find out results not long after exams finish. I will then be able to plan out the next year of my life once I know my options and what I have to do. Maybe I can use astrology to help me haha.

The mind is a terrible and wonderful thing. That is well known and well accepted. But one asks why? Why is the mind so wonderful? Why is the mind so terrible? One cannot answer these questions without discussing reality and the existence of reality.

Okay, so we all exist, let’s just assume that. We are all physical beings, we eat, we sleep, we shit, we fuck and we all die. These experiences though are all just a product of the mind. The mind is responsible for experience. The mind is responsible for recall of such occurrences. The mind is responsible for the way we feel about these occurrences. The mind is responsible for these feelings. The mind is a great and a terrible thing because of the physical. The physical exists because of the real.

Anyway, this brings me to the point of togetherness. It’s just strange that people bond to one another. It’s a pleasurable experience for the physical and the emotional. Naturally people will flock to pleasure like a moth to a flame. The problem with pleasure is that it works the same as a flame. IT can sizzle out and die, it can hurt you. It’s an analogy that stands for life in general. Drugs, you’ll take them for pleasure. The pleasure will soon die off, and then you’ll take more, get closer to the flame until inevitably you’ll be consumed. I’m sure people have heard of the mouse that chose the pleasure button instead of food and that led to its death.

People are the same; we’ll press the pleasure button till we die. Thank you mind, for betraying your host and being the terrible thing that you are.

I have a bad feeling that I am too influenced by the shows that I watch. Sure, I can fully get into the nerd shit like Smallville and Supernatural and Heroes, but when I watch something that is closer to real life, like Skins, that I watched last night, it seems that I find myself being more empathetic and sometimes sympathetic towards the characters.

One of the characters in anorexic. Now, I'm not really fussed about my body, but now that I haven't been working out for over a month, I'm starting to notice the difference. I can see the flab I was trying so desperately to lose, come slowly shifting back and getting bigger. My arms are no longer as toned as they were and as I step on the scales, I see that I've lost 2.5kg since I stopped going. Now you don't lose weight by not going to the gym! It's muscle! Muscle that I worked so fucking hard for, gone! I've really gotta start back, quit smoking and start eating healthy...........................I can see maybe half that plan working. I fail at life...

I've been feeling good lately, it seems as though there are a lot of issues in my life that I have addressed, a lot of things I've faced up to and a lot of loose ends that I've tied up. Now as I step back and look at the big picture, I'm not satisfied with all the touch-ups. I liked the loose ends. But I know that in the long run, these things are going to serve as a stronger foundation for the more important things that are built on top. Hopefully though, some of those ends will untie themselves and that little bit of imperfection can give some character. I challenge anyone who knows me and reads this to guess what I'm talking about.

So yeah, anyway a little unsatisfied with the quality of life at the moment. I'm surviving, but not in the way I want. I need some substance, I need to stop living in a fantasy world. It's a good thing that in Smallville, Clark Kent can't fly because knowing me, if he could, I'd want to try and jump.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Well I just went on a full 'fuck you' to Japanese. I fully just pwnd the assignment 12 days before it's due. Now I'm trying to get someone to take me to McDonalds so I can binge my way to happiness.

I'm really looking forward to the reading list Jakie has promised to post as I need some new things to read. Reading is something I used to do a lot and I kind of fell out of it but over the summer I picked up a few really good books and I wanna keep it up still. The last book I read was Notes on a Scandal and since I love the movie I did enjoy the book very much. I did end up preferring the movie though. The soundtrack is fucking amazing.

I am planning on buying patches this week. I want to quit smoking so bad, it will save me so much money in the long run. It will make me healthier too.

Anyway, it is time for me to head off. I should decide what I'm doing.

5am seems to be the magic time for me to write my blog entries. If only I stayed awake till 5 am every night. Well most nights I do, but most of the time I have not the patience to write a blog entry.

Tonight I got very drunk. I made some calls and stuff, as you do when you're drunk...

Now I'm sobering up a bit, I've made myself some fried eggs on toast and I'm feeling a bit more like a human. While I was standing at the stove, I had a thought that came to me and I thought I should type this thought up before I forgot about it and all that.

Now I was thinking about my life in Brisbane. The people I met, the friends I made. Brisbane now owns a part of my life. It's funny that I worded that sentence that way because that leads in perfectly with what I'm about to write.

Jackie has a boyfriend, she works at a newsagent. Jasmine is doing a traineeship, she's made new friends and her life has progressed. Jackie is the same. My life in Melbourne has progressed a lot as well. I've met new people, made new friends, gone to a university nobody in my year level that graduated is. But I still feel that the part of me that stayed in Brisbane is progressing too. I feel as though as my friends change, that part of me stays there, on the sidelines, watching and waiting to become dominant again. I realised tonight that I am a big part of these people. I am a dominant memory for them, as they are for me, but the problem is that I want to be a dominant part of their lives again, right now.

I guess this is just a long winded version of 3 simple words...

I miss them.

So, it's 5am and I have nothing to do, yet again. Sleep doesn't come to me naturally like it used to. I guess this is insomnia, right? Anyway it's totally frustrating and mind controlling and it just seems that this problem leads on to more and more problems as time goes by.

Last night I overdosed on phenergan. THAT wasn't pretty in the slightest. I took it and after about 20 minutes, waves of fatigue and drowsiness washed over me. I lay on the couch, waiting for the sleep to come... Instead I was greeted with muscle twitches and spasms. That would've been ok if they had been manageable, but NO, that had to make me cry with frustration after 3 hours with no sleep! I was so exhausted that I was ready to die but my 'restless legs' kept me from the brink of unconsciousness. I did finally end up going to sleep after waking my mother up in tears and her making me a hot drink and fixing my bed up for me and giving me a different pillow because mine are flat as hell, wandering through the house for an hour, calling anyone who would answer their phone and crying some more. Let's just say I havent cried so much in well over a year. 15 months to be exact.

I woke up at 4pm. Again. The vicious cycle attacks! I spent today in a haze. My body was almost back to normal but it still felt like it wasn't under my control.

My dog is sick. He is nearing death actually. Now this would usually be heartbreaking news, but the fact is he's been this way for over a year. He has a bad cough and it's not nice to have your attention diverted from what ever you're doing by a hacking cough from this little, weak ball of white-gold fur. It actually really pisses me off now and I wish he would just go to sleep and not wake up. Put himself out of his misery...and mine. If it was up to me though, I don't think I'd have the heart to take him to the vet and have him put down. My mother doesn't have the heart to do that either.

In other news I just realised today is Valentine's Day! What a joyous occasion! For those of you who didn't pick that up, that was sarcasm in my words back there. Actually, I don't know how I feel about this Hallmark holiday. I suppose I'm quite apathetic when it comes down to it. The single life can be very, very interesting or very, very dull. At the moment though it's dull. I kind of wish I had someone to share this day with though. But I guess when it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

I'm going out tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I hope it'll be good.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it there. It was good to get some of my thoughts out through my fingertips and to your computer screens but I feel I've barely scratched the surface of what I could truly rant about. I guess that's one of the perks of being a close friend of mine. Oh well, bad luck for them.

Ok, I so just had one of those awesome moments where you realise that the Earth is beautiful. I will describe it.

I decided at 4:00 AM that I was going to go to bed. I'd just finished binging on pizza and I went outside to smoke. Something struck me as I sat out on the chair out there. The dog was asleep on the chair next to me and other than her light snoring, everything was just quiet. In this unnatural quietness, I could hear the wind in the trees. The windchime was making a soft noise and I seemed to be making no noise at all.

There wasn't any noises that usually accompany the night. No far away cars, no possums scrounging around for food or fighting or whatever they do during the night, no cicadas or other bugs.

It was so quiet that eventually something had to happen...

An owl started hooting in the distance. That started a chain reaction of sorts. After that I started hearing more things. I heard a possum next door. The dog woke up. Someone in the house next to mine was awake, someone who obviously keeps antisocial hours such as mine. They were pouring dog biscuits into a plastic container I think. I could hear a car starting and a bug started chirping.

The silence was good and really scary. It made me uncomfortable to hear the noises start up again.

I just wanted to share that. Thank you.

So for the past week or so I've been in a feral mood. I now know why.

It's because I hadn't been laid in three months! But that all changed tonight. Awesome sex has put me in an awesome mood.

Thank you, that is all.

There is heat here.

So damn hot.

I spent the day today watching DVDs. I watched Jawbreaker, The Black Dahlia (fucking awesome I must say) and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I enjoyed the latter but what confuses me is why the fight scenes are so unrealistic. Asians can't fly!!!

Anyway, I'm bored and LJ is becoming easier for me to use and such so anyone who wants to talk to me can.

I'm out bitches,

Nick

Is it so damned hard to sleep!?

I am so sick of this bullshit.